The 5 E̶m̶o̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ Stages of Growing a Beard
Ever walked into a crowded bar where men tip their hats to you and women’s knees wobble like a newborn giraffe when they do a double-take in your direction?
If you have a burly beard, then this might sound like a typical Friday night. If not, then I’m willing to bet your face is as bare as the asses at a nude beach.
Fear not! We’re here to convert your shameful complexion into a manly beard that would make Odin sacrifice his other eye out of pure jealousy.
To grow a beard of such magnitude, you’re going to have to commit to the change.
The Emotional Cycle of Change
The above graph was developed by Psychologists Don Kelley and Darryl Connor as a roadmap to display the difficult journey every person goes through when committing to a change.
We’re grown-ass men - we don’t know what emotions are and we’re definitely not going to read a damn map.
Instead of The 5 Emotional Stages of blah, blah, blah, we’ve created our own guide for making a drastic change.
We call it, The 5 Stages of Growing a Yeard.
It’s The Beard Struggle’s no holds barred, real-talk approach to growing your beard WITHOUT sitting cross-legged and sharing your feelings. Plus a few products that will make your journey faster and less itchy.
Now, grab the darkest beer you can muster, throw away your crappy trimmer from Wally World and join me as we punch your ticket into Valhalla.
If you already have a badass, panty-dropping beard then skip to the “toolkit” sections below to ensure you’re equipped to tame that thing.
Stage 1: Sexy Stubble
This stage is filled with daydreams of all the benefits of having a beard…
- Winning a bar brawl by just stroking your beard
- Built-in face warmer for long winters and subzero arctic temperatures
- Winning a $10,000 cash prize in our World Yeard Championship
...while completely ignoring the upcoming costs…
- Consistent itchiness
- Awkward growing phases
- Finding rice from last week’s Chipotle burrito
Don’t be fooled by the sexy stubble that’s sprouting on your face - your willpower will soon be tested. Prepare for the upcoming stages by growing your beard grooming arsenal so you can mitigate the urge to shave it all off and go back to your hard-cider-drinking, Friday-Fortnite-playing weekends.
Stage 1 Toolkit:
Stage 2: Homeless Bystander
After a few weeks, your sexy stubble is going to betray you. You’ll slowly start to feel your neck itching, redness will randomly rise up on your cheeks, and patches will become noticeable.
Your daydreams of heroism and battleaxe-wielding badassery are slowly replaced with the urge to dig your fingernails into your face to relieve the itch.
This is completely normal, even Erik the Red had to suffer through this stage (despite the tales of coming out of the womb with a thick beard).
Unfortunately for Erik, he didn’t have our Gentleman’s Scruff Balm to help fill in some of the patches and speed up the growing process.
Take a whiff of one of our 8 beard scents to help distract you from the pain during this stage and prepare yourself for the upcoming Valley of Despair.
Stage 2 Toolkit:
Stage 3: Ragnarok - The Valley of Despair
Now you’re experiencing a level of discomfort you’ve never felt before. Your face is constantly itching, your bros are starting to call you “Patches”, people mistake you as homeless and throw change at you when you’re walking down the streets.
Don’t be like the countless other “men” who gave up when they felt the heat.
Skofnung’s blade wasn’t forged in a rainbow with butterfly kisses! It went through fire and countless strikes from Thor’s hammer.
Essentially you have 2 options:
- To let Barbosal cream all over your face and shave away your dreams
- To ask Thor for strength and push through like a viking rowing into battle.
Man-up, choose the latter, and apply some of our Gentlemen’s Beard Balm to reduce some of the itchiness and protect your adolescent beard.
Stage 3 Toolkit:
Stage 4: The Spoils of War
The itching has finally calmed down, your patches are filling in, and you can even start curling your mustache while you ponder what you’re going to conquer next.
This is where your commitment will start to bear fruit:
- Women will buy you drinks at the bar
- Dos Equis will name YOU “The Most Interesting Man in the World.”
- Your father-in-law will never question you again
- Chuck Norris would hire you as his bodyguard
- Queens will stand when you walk into the room
But! The work isn’t finished.
You’ll need to start trimming your cheek and jawlines to give it the proper shape specific to your face’s shape. If you’re unfamiliar with trimming techniques, we highly recommend connecting with a local barber or reviewing our Simplistic Beard Care Routine.
Stage 4 Toolkit:
Stage 5: Valhalla
While you’re probably not bathing in your enemy’s blood or rowing back home in your warship, your beard is fully grown and you’ve now earned the title of Viking.
Your name will be written in the annals of history alongside other beard-yielding heroes like; King Leonidas, Abraham Lincoln, and Ragnar Lodbrock.
Stage 5 Toolkit:
Now that you know what to expect, you’re ready to grow a badass Yeard! Join our First Annual, World Yeard Championship for a chance to win the spoils of war.
It’s like a public sword measuring contest, without the graphic nudity. The winner gets Odin’s blessings for eternity and $10,000 cash!