The Beard Struggle


Author: The Beard Struggle

Published at: Jul 23, 2021

“Why has my beard stopped growing in length?”

Andy wanted to know. He called me earlier that day and begged me to meet him for lunch. He said it was urgent – and we had to meet right away.

I agreed – mainly because he was buying, and Andy always goes to the finest restaurants in town.

When he told me to meet him at The Vintage Press, I happily agreed. I knew I would dine on the finest cuisine for 100 miles around.

We got there, and I could tell Andy was kinda stressed out.

He looked great, as always. Perfectly-tailored suit. Gotta-be-expensive shirt and tie. Outstanding shoes. Cuff links… rings… fancy watch… he had it all.

But I knew one thing about Andy most people don’t.

Deep down, he wanted to have the kind of facial hair that would set him apart no matter what anyone else was wearing.

You see, Andy is in the cut-throat competitive world of disposable baby diapers.

Don’t laugh. Each new baby’s ass is worth an absolute fortune to the diaper makers, like Pampers and Huggies. They struggle like mad to get the very best placement on the shelves of every store in America. Best placement, combined with the best deals, equals the best sales.

Andy was the brains behind all the diapers sold on the West Coast.

The guy knows his shit.

Besides that, he’s great with the ladies. He travels a lot, and he knows how to get to a lady’s heart when he starts talking about diapers.

Women are amazed he knows so much about diapers – even though he’s never had a baby!

He’s still young and eligible, and gets chased by every hot chick he meets.

Whenever we have lunch together, he gets no less than three phone calls and six text messages from girls who want to meet up with him as soon as he comes back to their city. Some even offer to travel to see him.

He says he’s got one thing that really gives him the edge: The Man Mane from Heaven.

He really does. This guy’s “face forest” would make a Viking or lumberjack green with envy.

Andy started early. He got in on the current trend when it was brand new. Remember: He knows how to spot trends that work. Trends that pay off.

This is definitely one of them. So you’re in the right place, if this is your new passion, too!

But Andy faced one problem, as I found out at lunch that day.

We were seated at Andy’s favorite table, where the prettiest waitress would be our server. (The guy is the consummate flirt.)

After she seductively took our order, he leaned in to the center of the table… tugged on his whiskers and said, “You see this?!? It has STOPPED GROWING, man! And I need to know WHY! Not only that, I need to know how to get it to START growing again! I don’t want to lose this, man!”

He always calls everyone “man” when he’s stressed out. And he only gets stressed out if it’s important. You have to understand, we’ve known each other since grade school. That’s why he trusts me for personal advice like this.

You see, when I first got into the business of providing hair care products for the bearded market, Andy was all excited. He was even one of my very first “test” subjects. I would come up with a new formula, and he would eagerly try it out.

He would give me direct, honest feedback. I’d base many of my most crucial business decisions on his sage advice – plus other people I held in the highest respect, and considered to be my “Brain Trust.”

Andy definitely met the requirements, as successful as he had become. Wrapping baby butts.

So that day at lunch, because I could tell he was deadly serious, I gave him my full attention.

In fact, I asked him if I could record our conversation, since I knew already that I would be covering a whole lot of ground that would make for an excellent blog article.

Which is what you’re reading right now!

Andy was happy to oblige. After all, he wasn’t revealing any dark secrets or anything. He just wanted to know how to get his facial hair to KEEP GROWING when it seems to have come to a complete STOP.

Here’s the edited transcript of our meeting and conversation – minus Andy flirting with the waitress…

ME: What makes you think it’s stopped growing?

ANDY: I measure it every day. You know how I am. I measure everything. I’m obsessive-compulsive, man!

ME: Yes, I know. Okay. Then here’s what I suggest… First, what are you doing to get enough exercise and rest every day?

ANDY: I don’t know what those words mean, man! Exercise and rest? Who has the time? I’m out there busting my butt trying to get my diapers on millions of babies’ butts! Nobody appreciates that, man!

ME: Calm down. Calm down. Sheesh. You might need to go change your diaper! Look… What I’m saying is that you need to get rid of all your STRESS HORMONES. That’s what’s slowing down your body’s healthy growth metabolism. When you’re stressed out too much for too long, your body has NO adaptive energy left over for fresh, healthy growth. It’s like it’s in a flight-or-fight mode all the time. Do you ever get that feeling?

ANDY: Oh yeah. All the time. I never have a moment’s rest. I’m getting on or off a plane, or checking into or out of a hotel. I live out of my suitcase, man!

ME: I get it. I wouldn’t want your life. I mean, what if people stop having babies? It’s already happening. With global warming and the threat of human extinction, we’re being asked to take drastic measures to protect the climate and life on this planet. As a result, people are having fewer and fewer babies. Pretty soon, you won’t have much of a market!

[I shouldn’t have said that. It stressed him out even more. He started ranting and raving about Planned Parenthood and how evil they are for killing babies in the womb. And don’t get him started on the UN.]

ANDY: What else, man? What else can I do?

ME: Well, other than taking care of your mind, body, and spirit – you have to focus on what kind of care products you’re using, and how regularly you’re using them.

ANDY: I have to confess, man. I fell off. I slacked off a little bit because I thought I wouldn’t need to use them every day. Then it started to become a bad habit. It’s when I thought I had lost my big Costco account, and I kinda fell apart for a little while. My appearance suffered. But man, I’ll tell you – the moment I got back on TBS products, I could see the difference.

ME: Yeah, so make sure you keep using them DAILY. That’s the big secret a lot of guys seem to miss. Yes, I know it takes time each day. But isn’t your appearance WORTH IT? Get up a little earlier, that’s all. As my baseball coach Mike LaCoss used to say, ‘Don’t sleep in late every day and expect to win the World Series!’ It just doesn’t happen that way. Life is a battle, my friend. So is your facial hair. That’s why at TBS we call it “The Struggle” – because it is! And you have to take it seriously.

ANDY: I understand what you’re saying. I hear you loud and clear.

When our orders arrived, I also asked Andy what he’s been eating – what his diet is like lately.

ANDY: Just like you see here. I’ve been doing an almost-vegetarian thing because of how my stress levels affect my cholesterol. The doctor recommended this.

ME: I’m no doctor. As you know, I forgot to go to med school. But from a strictly hair-growth point of view, your almost-vegetarian diet could also be what’s slowing you down. Hair depends on protein, and you won’t get enough protein if you don’t eat a lot of meat, especially beef. Beef is what your body wants.

ANDY: Alright. I’ll discuss it with my doctor. In fact, I’d love to be able to go back to eating what you’re having. That looks delicious.

ME: It is. Nice thick ribeye. Medium rare. Well-marbled. Tasty and tender. Just the way I like it. This steak will probably add one micron of hair growth for me today. That might not seem like a lot, but each micron adds up, my friend. Remember – hair growth starts at the ROOT, down at the follicle, where the protein turns into hair. ‘You won’t get the hair if the protein isn’t there.’ That’s a little rhyme we sing at the office on Happy Friday’s. And it’s the KEY to hair health, Andy. Protein!

ANDY: So if I keep my protein level high, my hair will continue to grow?

ME: Yes. Beef isn’t the only source, of course. It’s just the best. You can get protein from lots of places, but animal proteins are the best. They contain loads of natural biotin, which is what your hair craves. Even eggs and dairy products should be a big part of your diet. Go for the gusto, man!

ANDY: I will. I miss eating like a real man.

ME: Find other ways to cut your stress. Do needlepoint or hot yoga. But don’t cut meat out of your life. Meat, cheese, wine, women, and cigars are what make life worth living.

ANDY: YES! Because then we get more babies!

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